What is rejection sensitivity? And what can you do about it?

Rejection sensitivity goes by a few names — you might have heard it called rejection sensitive or sensitivity dysphoria, or RSD for short.

It’s not a diagnosis, and many mental health professionals haven’t heard of it, but it can be debilitating for many neurodivergent people.

Rejection sensitivity is particularly prevalent among ADHDers. There are many possible reasons for this, and it’s likely to be a combination of a lot of factors. What certainly doesn’t help is that it’s estimated that ADHDers get 20,000 negative pieces of feedback from those around them by age 10. Criticise anyone on that level and it’s going to have an extremely detrimental impact, whatever their neurotype.

Rejection sensitivity is also common among autistics who regularly receive messages that they’re weird, dramatic, over sensitive, etc.

Rejection sensitivity tends to show up as a big reaction to criticism or rejection, whether actual or perceived. There is also likely to be substantial fear of it happening. This can create a downward spiral where the person believes everyone hates them, they’re a terrible failure, or an awful human being. It can dominate an individual’s thoughts and drain their energy, leading to depression.

Almost everyone feels emotional pain when rejected or experiencing harsh criticism, but this takes it to a much more extreme level. As with every neurodivergent characteristic, this is a human characteristic that everyone experiences, just not to the same degree. We all have an innate need for acceptance and to feel part of a group as our survival as humans has always depended on it.

The negative impacts on an individual’s life can be huge and might include:

📌 Abandoning friends, relationships or jobs to avoid being the one rejected

📌 Social anxiety and fear of engaging with others

📌 Taking any change in tone or body language as a sign that they’ve upset the person, and constantly monitoring people for such signs

📌 Needing lots of reassurance and constantly questioning yourself

📌 People pleasing to try to be liked and avoid rejection

📌 Comparing yourself to others in a negative way

📌 Being preoccupied with what other people think of you

📌 Reacting in what other people consider to be an emotionally extreme way

📌 Always needing to be first or to win

📌 Constantly apologising

📌 Loss of connection to emotions as they’re too painful, or feeling them intensely

📌 Constantly replaying situations in your head or re-reading messages and finding rejection in them

📌 Regularly feeling embarrassed or like you’ve done something wrong

📌 Doing whatever it takes to be liked by a given group of people or person

📌 Internalising the feelings and rejecting yourself

📌 Deferring to others even when you disagree

📌 Being a perfectionist and setting impossibly high standards for yourself to try to make up for poor self-esteem

📌 Avoidance of events, situations and tasks that might result in criticism, including receiving feedback

📌 Being terrified of failure or mistakes

📌 Experiencing big mood swings based on positive or negative comments from others

📌 Assuming any negative comments or mass work emails about problems are directed at you

📌 Feeling worthless or shameful and engaging in regular negative self-talk

📌 Jumping to the worst possible conclusion where something is ambiguous

📌 Being unable to sleep because of ruminating on negative situations and cascading negative thoughts

So what can you do about it?

There’s no magic wand. Rejection sensitivity can’t simply be overcome or switched off, but there are ways to reduce the negative impact it has on your daily life.

Nothing works for everyone, so it’s worth exploring the impact different things have on your mood. Everything takes time to practise.

✅ Ask people in your life to be clear with their communications and avoid uncertainty. For example, instead of sending you a message saying “Can we talk?” they could provide the reason for wanting to do so.

✅ Identify other triggers and address these practically where possible. Where practical solutions aren’t an option, being aware of triggers and being prepared for them can still be helpful.

✅ If you aren’t aware of all your triggers, try noting down your thoughts so you can spot patterns.

✅ Seek therapy for past traumas and negative experiences that are still having an ongoing impact on your present.

✅ Explore your core beliefs. Are they along the lines of “I’m not good enough,” “I am wrong,” or “I’m not worthy”? If so they will be feeding your rejection sensitivity. These can be challenged and replaced with more helpful core beliefs through counselling or self-led work.

✅ Remind yourself that everyone has a different opinion of everybody. Even the kindest person in the world has their detractors. We cannot possibly be liked by everyone or control everyone’s opinion of us.

✅ Engage in deliberate positive self-talk. Your brain is unlikely to believe you if it’s used to negative self-talk, but if you can stick with it and make a conscious effort whenever you notice then it will start to become more natural and believable for you. If you find this really hard then think about what you would say to a friend in the same situation.

✅ Examine your thoughts and remove the blame. “They rejected me” may become “I felt rejected.” “I’m awful at tests” may become “Tests are hard.” This can remove the intensity from the situation.

✅ Collect positive feedback and comments so you can look at these when you need something to counteract feelings of rejection.

✅ Remind yourself that you are not in danger and that you are experiencing rejection sensitivity whenever it kicks in. Being consciously aware of what is going on can reduce the intensity.

✅ Notice when you’re getting into a negative cycle, or ask those around you to point it out when they notice. Deliberately engage in enjoyable activities that you know have a positive impact on your mood.

✅ Treat yourself with compassion and understanding. Thank your thoughts and emotions for alerting you a potential issue and for trying to keep you safe. Let them know they have done their job and can now stand down.

✅ Give your negative self-talk a name, externalise it, and tell it you won’t allow it to bully you and to be quiet.

✅ Experiment with different grounding and emotional regulation techniques to find what can take the edge off when you notice yourself start to spiral. DBT techniques may be especially helpful.

✅ Prescription medications can work for some.

✅ If nothing seems to help then radical acceptance may be needed. Notice and accept your negative emotions as a natural part of life to help you move through them. Accept the existence of your thoughts and feelings without judging them or trying to change them. Accept yourself as a flawed human being like any other. One who makes mistakes, fails, upsets people, makes them happy, achieves and enjoys some things in life.

✅ Remember that all these things take time and repetition. Nothing works instantly, and nothing will completely remove the very natural pain of rejection.

Does anything else help you?

My current offer:

Counselling for adults and young people aged 16+ online and in Launceston. Sessions are 60 minutes. These usually take place weekly or fortnightly but other arrangements may be possible. It’s important you feel safe and comfortable with whichever counsellor you choose. I offer a free, 15-minute online video call for anyone who is interested in working with me but would like to find out more first.

Rewind trauma therapy for PTSD symptoms can be carried out as part of counselling work or as a stand-alone therapy.

Ad hoc clinical supervision/consultation around neurodiversity for counsellors, therapists, mental health practitioners, education professionals and others.

One-to-one video calls for those who are considering becoming counsellors and would like support navigating the range of qualification pathways. See How to Become a Counsellor in the UK.

Please get in touch via jade.farrington@gmail.com and subscribe to my newsletter to receive neurodiversity content straight to your inbox. You can find me elsewhere via Linktree.