What are the five neurodivergent love languages?

You’ve probably heard of the five love languages of words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts, but did you know the neurodivergent community have five of our own?

They are ways of connecting with one another and showing care.

Parallel Play

Parallel play involves doing things alongside one another, but not together. This might literally be playing with two different toys, but it can take many other forms. In adulthood, one person might be watching TV while their partner reads a book. They might not even be doing anything at all. No one is directly engaging with anyone else or trying to influence what they do, but they’re still enjoying one another’s company.

Parallel play is sometimes referred to as ‘being alone together’. Almost everyone engages in this occasionally, but for many neurodivergent people it can be a favoured activity — particularly for autistics.

Neuronormative society sometimes stereotypes this as an awkward silence, or implies there is something wrong when people act like this. Perhaps their marriage is falling apart! Well it could be, but it’s usually the opposite. Parallel play demonstrates how relaxed the people involved are in each other’s company.

Those involved are not feeling any demands to engage, merely enjoying existing in the same space while they simultaneously enjoy their preferred activities. They benefit from the social connection without expending mental energy, and no small talk is necessary.

Penguin Pebbling

This cute name comes from the habit penguins have of giving stones to one another to show they care. Plenty of autistics and ADHDers have rock collections so this can be followed quite literally, but it’s also much broader.

Penguin pebbling is a way of showing thought for one another. Maybe you saw an object or a meme or article that reminded you of someone. Collecting it for them, tagging them in it, or messaging it to them all comes under penguin pebbling.

It’s a way of building and maintaining connection in a thoughtful way. It demonstrates you’re thinking of someone in a way that is likely to resonate with them. As with all neurodivergent attributes, everyone does this at some point, but it’s probably something you do regularly if you’re autistic or ADHD.

Infodumping

Deep interests are very common for neurodivergent people. They might be lifelong loves; special interests lasting several years; or intense hyperfixations that burn bright before fading out. If autistics or ADHDers are in-between interests this can be a source of real stress due to their monotropic nature and the need to focus deeply on things that grab their attention.

Infodumping is sharing your love of a topic by talking about or otherwise communicating it to others — usually at great length.

The great lectures of the past were basically scientists and other important people infodumping to a large audience, and we still see it today in talks, webinars and podcasts. This page is one huge infodump about counselling and neurodiversity.

Encouraging your friends and loved ones to talk to you about their deep interests, whether or not you share them, can be a way of demonstrating you care. Autistics in particular tend to have a love of information and knowledge. Neuronormative society often frowns on this, viewing correcting others with new information as wrong, and talking passionately about topics as strange.

Infodumping to one another and being accepted can be a fantastic way for neurodivergent people to connect and feel comfortable. If someone feels able to infodump to you then it is often a good indicator that they feel safe and secure in your presence.

Support Swapping

Neurodivergent people typically have spiky profiles, which means they can be great at some things and really struggle with others. An individual’s capacity will fluctuate too based on a huge range of factors such as age, health, stress, sleep, connection, and intersectional considerations.

This means that neurodivergents typically need some form of support in some areas of their lives, and these can vary hugely. Support swapping involves friends, family, or even strangers in a group, taking time to support one another.

Someone might need reminders to perform tasks such as brushing their teeth, taking medication or paying bills. Another might need help with practical jobs such as cleaning or cooking meals.

Some people have no trouble making phone calls but they struggle with writing emails. If their friend experiences the opposite then they can do each other’s tasks.

Support swapping is sometimes referred to as sharing spoons, recognising that certain tasks take up far less energy for some people than others.

Neuronormative standards tell us we should be independent, yet everyone relies on others in some way or another. Support swapping sees interdependence as a natural, normal way of being that can actually bring us closer together instead of viewing those who need support (everyone!) as a burden.

Deep Pressure

On a basic level this is giving someone a tight hug, but there’s a lot more to the idea behind it.

Proprioception is a sense like taste or smell, but you probably weren’t taught about it at school. It’s what allows you to receive external force or input; to know where you are in space; and to figure out how much effort is needed.

Aspects of proprioception can be a struggle for some neurodivergent people. This may be apparent in things like appearing clumsy; having an unusual posture or way of walking; or finding it difficult to copy someone who’s demonstrating dance moves or gym exercises.

Some neurodivergent people have a big need for proprioceptive input, or this may fluctuate based on how they’re feeling. Lifting weights, climbing, and many other sports are ways of receiving this, but some people have a specific need for deep pressure. This is where the love language aspect of giving tight hugs comes in. You may have seen memes describing it as crushing a person’s soul back into their body as it can be particularly helpful when someone is feeling overwhelmed, frazzled or fragmented.

Not everyone likes to receive deep pressure from others, and many neurodivergent people have trauma around being touched, so please always ask someone before you give them a bear hug. Some get their need met through things like body socks, weighted blankets, or swaddles, which can provide pressure for longer than a fellow human can sustain.

My current offer:

Counselling for adults and young people aged 16+ online and in Launceston. Sessions are 60 minutes. These usually take place weekly or fortnightly but other arrangements may be possible. It’s important you feel safe and comfortable with whichever counsellor you choose. I offer a free, 15-minute online video call for anyone who is interested in working with me but would like to find out more first.

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