The importance of being selfish
If you asked a group of people how many considered themselves to be selfish, you’d be unlikely to get many volunteers sticking up their hands. But how many of those people do you think have told their friends to “put yourself first” while talking over a problem? We recognise the importance of selfishness when advising those we care about, but we’re often reluctant to accept it ourselves — or at least to admit that we do so.
If you’ve ever flown in a plane you’ll know that the cabin crew advise passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first before assisting others. If you’re expending all your time and energy for the benefit of other people and fail to take care of your own needs first then you’re rapidly going to become the one in need of help — and you’ll be of little use to those who could use a hand.
Selfishness is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. Like almost every human emotion and motivation, it’s a necessary part of our lives and needs to be acted on at the right time. If taken to extremes it can be all-consuming and drive a person to repel others they once cared for. If not used at all, it leads to burnout and a complete lack of boundaries, leaving a person to be used and walked over by others.
If you own your selfishness you can be accepting of it, giving you more control over it. If you struggle with an unwillingness to accept your selfishness then you will probably find it difficult to set boundaries and feel that other people are taking advantage of you. Every time you say “yes” to something when your brain is screaming “no” you’re failing to put yourself first or to adhere to your boundaries.
Dr Brené Brown says that “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” If you don’t uphold your personal boundaries this breeds unhappiness and resentment towards those you’ve allowed to breach them. Owning your selfishness and recognising its importance and value therefore helps to maintain the health of your relationships.
As Brené says in this video: “Generosity, to assume the best about people, is almost an inherently selfish act. Because the life you change first is your own.”
Like most people in Britain, I’d been conditioned to view selfishness as always negative and to reject it as a poor character trait. I spent years agreeing to do things to help others even when it had a negative impact on me. To refuse would have been selfish, and selfish was bad. This was making me unhappy and resentful — exactly as Brené said it would — and that continued until I committed to put myself first.
Once you embrace your selfishness, you allow yourself to be clear about your own boundaries and rules. I still have lapses, but I’m now much clearer about what’s ok and what’s not ok — and I’m more useful to others as a result.
