Is your misery too comfortable?
“You’ve got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.” — Steven D. Woodhull
I came across that quote many years ago and it resonated strongly. From then on, whenever I was unhappy with my situation I sat down and planned how to get out of it. We’re on this planet for a few short years, and I would prefer not to spend them stuck and miserable. Some things which are making us unhappy can be changed quickly and without much effort. It may only be fear or inertia which is holding us back. Others require years of determined adherence to a plan — and even then we may not succeed. But that time is going to pass anyway, and if we opt not to take action because it will take too long or out of fear of failure then we’re going to stay exactly as we are.
A friend of mine graduated from university ten years ago. She has worked solidly ever since, but only swapped jobs once. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with staying long-term in a job you love, but she has been unhappy in both. What keeps her there? She has no dependants relying on her to pay the bills or put food on the table, and she has more than enough money saved to be able to take a risk.
My friend tells me she doesn’t know what she wants to do instead. But at the same time she knows for certain that it isn’t what she’s doing now. She asked me how I’m so willing to try so many different things, so we’ve had long conversations about how she could apply for other jobs and test them out. If she likes them better then that’s brilliant. If she doesn’t then she’s no worse off than she is now, and she can apply for something else again. She knows this to be true, but she still won’t do it.
What is it that keeps people stuck where they are, unwilling to try another choice? The vast majority of humans appear to take comfort in the familiar and the routine, even if it isn’t making us happy. Our routine unhappiness feels safe and familiar. It’s what we know. Change on the other hand is risky and unknown. It could take us anywhere — good or bad. In order to embrace it, most of us need to become so uncomfortable in our present that the risk associated with change appears the safest option. If we’re going through life unhappy and unfulfilled then that is what is safe and familiar. The risk of change appears too high and we stay where we are.
Psychologists sometimes use the metaphor of forests needing to burn off their dead wood in order to grow. Discovering that part of you is dead wood which needs to be replaced can be incredibly painful. Your dead wood may be small, or it may be that there’s not a lot left of you once it’s cleared out. But the greater the number and depth of unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours you shed, the more dramatic the change that will occur in you. If you are never willing to endure the pain of recognising your dead wood and burning it off then you will never change, never try that other choice, and never know what could grow and flourish instead.
