Accepting your child’s sadness
It’s one of the most valuable things you can do for your child.
It’s common to see children who are unable to handle negative emotions. There can be many reasons for this, but it sometimes reflects the difficulty adults have with seeing children unhappy. Children need to feel comforted and empathised with when they are sad, angry, or experiencing some other negative feeling instead of being given the impression that they should not be feeling it. An adult accepting a child’s emotion by coming down to their level and naming it for them (“I can see you’re very angry and frustrated.”) helps the child to understand and process what they are feeling.
Instead, adults frequently tell children things like “I hate to see you upset;” “Don’t cry darling;” or even “There’s nothing to be sad about;” or “Stop being such a wuss.” Some of these comments come from a caring place, but they prioritise the adult’s discomfort at seeing a child in distress instead of recognising the child’s emotion and letting them know it’s ok to feel it. Some of the kinder phrases are a normal part of life and are unlikely to cause a problem if heard occasionally and the child is not shamed for feeling how they do. However, it can be damaging if it’s all a child hears and they’re never permitted to express negative emotions and have those feelings accepted by those around them.
Sometimes adults worry that noticing a child’s emotion makes it likely to happen more. But recognising the way a child is feeling is not the same as endorsing it. If a toddler is crying and shouting because their parent won’t let them roll around in a muddy puddle then it is possible to accept their distress without telling them they’re being silly; getting angry at them; or trying to tell them all the things they have to be happy about. Instead, a parent may say: “I can see you’re really upset that I won’t let you roll in that puddle. You find it really fun to play in the mud and you’re angry that I won’t let you.” Putting the child’s experience into words helps them to understand their feelings without being told they are wrong for having them or that they should be thinking or feeling something else. Repeatedly being helped with understanding their feelings in this way lays a foundation for a healthy relationship with their emotions as they grow.
It’s impossible for anyone to be happy all the time. Happiness is a normal human emotion that we can experience like any other. People can be generally content and satisfied with their life most of the time, but happiness is as fleeting as other feelings. I often see clients who struggle to feel or express their emotions because they have spent their lives being told, implicitly or explicitly, that happiness is the only acceptable emotion to feel or express to those around them. This leads children — and adults — to bottle things up or to deny their own experience, neither of which is healthy. The emotions they are really feeling don’t go away. Instead they build and fester, and frequently burst out in the form of anger, anxiety or depression. At the most extreme, they end in the tragedy of a suicide where those around them are left shocked because the person who took their life appeared happy and never told anyone anything was wrong.
Learning to accept our children’s negative emotions can be a difficult and painful thing to do, particularly if our own negative emotions were not welcome when we were growing up or we have a partner who expects us to be happy all the time. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, but it can be easy to feel under pressure to be one. It can be very difficult for us to accept that we could do something differently, because to accept that would be to admit to ourselves that we are not perfect. While reading this article you may have felt uncomfortable or attacked. It’s ok. Notice that feeling and accept it, and know that feeling that way doesn’t have to dictate what you do next. Being honest about our feelings and allowing our children to do the same is one of the most valuable gifts we can give them.
If you would like to learn more about this, and how to have better relationships with your children in general, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did) is an excellent and accessible read however old you or your children may be.
